Biog

how the landscape views the young

longer have I lived
than youth cares to care  

how I age
what contains me

simple rotation

space

endless expanse

creation
death
dust
life

they stare up at me

the cold souls 
who'v seen
an ending

everything

they all teach 
my immaculate mural

 

Daly City Climate Disorder

Winter, no.

Summer, sometimes.

A battle of fog beneath the blur of sky

dreams of heat 

bound by micro-climate tortures.

Clenched jaws,

Clothed arms,

the shock & awe of shot nerves.

Atmosphere warfare 

whips wind’s next kill -

No winter

No summer

just cold souls and tormented shivers.

Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 5

Thursday - Silence now broken.

Don't know what else to say at the moment. Not much needing to be written right now.

Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 4

Wednesday

(Wow) - much more difficult than yesterday. My back is testing my pain tolerance, as well as my ability to sit and meditate. From there, Mara grew into a big grump monster, annoyed at people, the cold and wind, myself and my mind - so exhausted already and my day has barely begun. Must sit with it, though. Must hold these grumps in the palm of my hand and keep it warm.

Thoughts & desires about home - missing it all, not having much fun here (DUH) and in desperate search for ease. At least w/sunshine, I can bake out by the fountain, sip coffee and watch the bees. What is it about today that I find so challenging?

Could use some compassion for myself today. Of course I am tired, of course this lets in the Mara much more easily. And of course I miss home. I'm normal. My desire for pleasantry is human, and with so much pain in my back, it's normal to let the grumps get to me. I must be kind to myself, though, and remember impermanence.

Back out into the massive desert wind, with its dark clouds and cold touch - time to bundle, make my way across the Silk Road, and wait for my work meditation. All moves fast from there, and soon it will be Thursday.

--------------------

The evening now. Day almost over, bed bound - We made it through another day, just 1 more to go. How close I feel to the Sangha now. Like we've been getting to know each other all week in our minds. Feeling the energies so vibrantly. We all silently regarded a rainbow during dinner, just over the beginning hills, then over the valley, and disappearing into the dense dark wisp of storm cloud. All this just after a guided lecture on the cultivation of true joy.

Realizing how special it is to be away from my life, with mostly total strangers, to live among the desert for 6 days while I develop my capacity to truly love, to potentially enlighten myself in my natural tendency to love. A flaw no more.

What now? One more day. Hope. A renewed charge. The mission to spread the mettā - who knows what else.

Saw so many beautiful things today. A spider used me to hitch a ride into the bathroom. The clouds were especially (typically) gorgeous, with an equally breathtaking sky scene. At the last walking meditation, 8:30, I went down to the Labyrinth, with its diamond spots, and laid down on the entering step's bench, long and curved, cool concrete. I popped my head up and stared infinitely into the star scape, those blinking balls so far but just right there, by the hundreds to see. The moon has been with me every night. He's my man. My Luna too.

Time to rest, things to work with tomorrow. Thank you for all of today, even my grumpy-guss nonsense.

May I have a restful sleep, and an energetic wake.

Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 3

Tuesday

Full of love today (started off with morning grumps)

First sitting, guided by Pablo, urged to cultivate compassion - we were asked to think of a "beneficiary" or someone we perceive as loving us unconditionally - I thought of Dad, how he always has my back, cares for me no matter what, believes in everything I do. So much love. So moving. Then asked to allow ourselves to see through their eyes back at ourselves - I so clearly felt love for myself, in a way much more accessible than just recalling the mettā phrases.

First interview - Vinny, with Mikey, Barry, and Gary. We all talking about our experiences so far; half finding it difficult, half (w/me) being pretty good w/what has transpired in our minds. Vinny so beautiful and pure with compassion and kindness - mettā. "We are the genuis' of our own minds and experiences." Be with the Brahmavihāras, eventually the mindfulness will integrate itself in. More interviews from them Thursday. Happy. How lucky we are to be here, Vinny reminded us. Against all odds. We shouldn't even exist, but here we are, in these beautiful surroundings, practicing how to love wisely. Indeed, how lucky we are.

End of day 3. Much mettā felt, much sent, much awarded to myself. Got very concentrated during some sits, very distant and numb at others. The yoga was my favorite, as there's nothing quite like a good stretch. Keep forgetting what day it is, time is acting so differently as I'm in and out of the world I know, more and more tapping into that universal existence in which there is no linear time, and love is the language used.

Tomorrow, Wednesday; I'm halfway through. Thinking I'm in a state of neutrality,  because I find myself quite often bored and then looking for trouble (lust, greed - the plans, the resentments, the past - Mara at its worst, back and body ache, which I know in my heart is not much at all). Excited to see where my mind and heart are at tomorrow. I feel as though I may be the last person to wake up at this place (me@8:00am - first sitting at 6:30 [yea] and breakfast at 7 - not hearing the wake up bells, not hearing my alarm, naturally waking up at 8. Better not disturb my natural sleep rhythms) but I understand when it comes to sleep, I have some special needs so indeed, I accept my needed long hours in bed w/as much kindness and love as I can in this moment - Mettā!

2 more full days, then a morning, then back to it all with more love in my heart to share like it was the only thing in the world.

LOVE

Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 2

(first full day), Monday

Not sure what I did (lust related?) but showed up w/a knotted, strained right shoulder/neck... more time spent on a chair than on floor, to conserve this body.

Up to 2 sitting meditations. Each one gets my mind more and more settled. Repeating the phrases "May you be happy. May you be loved. May you be at ease. May you be free." Or some variation of that. Thinking of JoJo as an innocent child, nothing but love to give her, without judgement. JoJo mind very actively pushing away this love - wanting to mentally nag the white girls in yoga garb, or other annoying clothing, Mara chasing me with drowsy feelings and hunger and the pain in my back. Sending much love to Mara, to myself.

Just finished lunch. Journaling is discouraged, but I'm overriding that because it is a habit I want to maintain. And recording insight is helpful.

Today we are focusing on metta to ourselves. Of course my mind is tired of repeating the phrases. And it's a bit too warm out to fully engage in a hike, or start a worth-while walking meditation.

I'm eager to explore the labyrinth later this evening, when the sun is gone and the lights around the maze are on - all those diamonds to guide me. Want to make sure to photograph this place before leaving - I was thinking either Thursday or Friday.

Used to mindfulness mediation, so it's throwing me for a loop repeating phrases & the focus not being on my breath. Find metta practice a bit more concrete.

Work in an hour. Salad maker.

So tired now. More Mara w/its drowsiness.

Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 1, Part 2

Silence has begun. Probably shouldn't even be writing this. What time is breakfast? What time is anything? Why not get rid of my clock for a while - it will be a nice change & lighten my load - (MORE).

I wait for the bathroom to open up & allow me the opportunity to pee/brush/wash & all, patiently.

Repeating metta phrases in lullaby tonight - will be working on metta all week, starting today & tomorrow with ME - how relieving to do this, have an opportunity to think about myself, as per usually it's someone else.

GO!

Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 1, Part 1

Sunday - first day of retreat (only still not quiet yet) - set up my area (on right edge - is that right? felt like easy access in/out, if that's what I'm concerned with - also good for stretching out w/ achy back), got my work med (this is another session of salad making, and another bell ringer at 11:50 for 12:00 sit) - all is ready to happen. In my room, no roommate yet (wouldn't that be something if I roomed alone? I could do anything I want!), met some girls, smiled many times - isn't that nice?

So far, friendly. Only my own insecurities to get me down. That's what I'm here to work on. My Chris, my kitties, my loved ones are all still where I left them, understanding as they are.

Feeling quite anxious. Perhaps it stems from some confusion, tiredness, energy or heat around me, fear for the future (am I voluntarily subjecting myself to great difficulties? What will surface over the week?). I'm so mentally embedded in creature comforts and safety and routine, that the challenge of change is visibly stressing me. I hope this feeling will settle when the silence begins.

Brought coffee this time, brought trail mix for missed breakfasts.

The desert is hot - here a whole month earlier this year. I like it though, it's not too much and everything feels radiant. Forgot razor - going to grow naturally (secretly delighted) - no pretense, no vanity, a beautiful love at home and even he can't figure out when I have no make-up on.

Dinner in 40 minutes - going to lay/read/nap for half hour, then it all begins. Actually, then I'll be back because the first sit isn't until 8pm!

John's Humanity

The concept of love is based on a basic instinct to reproduce.

This basic instinct is preserved through a belief in a higher power.

[this is to mean intentional instinctual survival, such as avoidance of suicide, rather than an animal's innate desire to survive without a deep conscious reasoning behind why - although, even this is faulty, for within suicidal attempts one still encounters instinctual 'fight or flight' responses, and conscious intention does not easily override these]

Acting in contrast to this basic instinct is primarily what makes humans unique.

Occupy (Shoe) Discernment

'The cops now know the whole scene, even the costumes, the jesuschrist strung-out hair, Indian beads, Indian headbands, donkey beads, temple bells, amulets, mandalas, god's-eyes, fluorescent vests, unicorn horns, Errol Flynn dueling shirts—but they still don't know about the shoes. The heads have a thing about shoes. The worst are shiny black shoes with shoelaces in them. The hierarchy ascends from there, although practically all lowcut shoes are unhip, from there on up to the boots the heads like, light, fanciful boots, English boots of the mod variety, if that is all they can get, but better something like hand-tooled Mexican boots with Caliente Dude Triple A toes on them.'

- The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test (1968)

Cycle of Forgetting

For those who do not rejoice in murder

"When we hate, we cause hate. When we think we have won by vanquishing our enemy, we have lost. In killing Osama bin Laden, “they” lose because one of their leaders is gone. But we lose too, because we have deepened the causes and conditions that lead to more hatred and its consequences. This is not over."

Osama is dead.

From Steven Elliott

"I keep thinking about that line in Howl from a 1959 interview with Allen Ginsburg where Allen says he told his psychiatrist he didn't want to work, he just wanted to lay around and write poetry but he was worried about the future, worried who would take care of him. To live in a big city without a job writing poems, what an amazing feat to pull off."

- (The Daily Rumpus) that poem, this haircut— Housekeeping, 12/2/10

The current nature of the opposite sex

There are frequently
drunks in history
making a mess of things;
men for the most part -

Ladies, ladies, LADIES!
your non-violent ways
work better for the world.

(so stay sober,
forget the alcohol)

When he was electric, he was free

She is the queen of dream and every time
she seems to screen the scene she takes a dim
view to what is being. Nerves are fraying
but this year no one else is saying
that it ought to be replaced with what has been.
With every guess her gambit grows more thin.

-Ben Mazer, January 2008 pg. 37

Gotta Get This Now

This is
how it is
right now

don't just be
another twenty-
something

Morning Notes

What is the nature of consciousness

“Ones ideas must be as broad as Nature if they are to interpret Nature”

Spiritual consciousness is difficult to define

“Don’t stop to think of words but to see the picture better”

Great minds move us forward, although not on their own accord – Time does not allow for the natural process of deep insight, except in rare cases, to be completed by one person in one lifetime – but with the help of synthetics, experimentation in substance, sexuality, other physical modes of progression, those great risks in which only our immortal sense of consciousness benefits and not the delicate body, only with the assistance of outside catalysts can the common genius prolong perfect death.

“They say that genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains”

Native thought, primordial thought, the original and therefore most interesting insight into Nature – our visions which we carry around in our head like memory, our consciousness, not an imitation of something else boring and unoriginal and rarely worth more than that which has already been done better…

“record epiphanies of the day”

see the picture and describe it

“This is one mortal world we’re in, and this is the one and only chance to write it like a bible”

Refer to Her

Strictly speaking
self expression
an
I can do this
so well
sort of attitude
a uniqueness
I utter
the finest
verbal
drool
my dear
mouth
has marked

my words

In search at sixteen
for relief
from
teenage drama scenes
and bitter
romance flings
words key
to my recovery
from young
adolescent
ramblings
and reality
jabbing me
in a broken-hearted
stupor

I wrote
in diary code
my over
dramatized
entries
of love
and similar subjects
the beginning
of madness
(I will not cease
from recording

The goal
of my whole
being
is write
in possibility
of lasting immortality
like an attempt
at harpooning
in one long shot
Leviathan
the sacred mark
of my
beating
all existing
still in extinction
fossilized
in art magazines
or perhaps
in other heads
a family conversing
over half truths
echoes bouncing
on numerous sheets
of white tree

Walk old fingers
around the yard
play
fetch the word
take an ink leak
here this
everyday activity
such habitual
dependence
fingers
play on keys
or pen

That is
to say
this must be done
everyday
regardless of
power
that comes
but some
may not understand this
yet

now
silence is on hand
with me
and evening
blooming in dark
an open window
airs out space
in room
fan chops away
too
and
everything
thinks
about
every
thing
and
something wonderful
wafts in

Love is love is
love
deep down
all good
has challenges
stays good
in fine balance
this
collection of written
words
knows all the
yous
and clues me in
on this
run through
of feet walking
life
full of gloom
pity
guilt for
the gone money
and the questions
what to do
next
adapt kindly
find an outlet
and get it out

Untitled

An origami in the palm
of your hand and
gently you unfold me,
peeling creases apart.
I flatten and grow until
each pressed fold
becomes one whole sheet.