Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 1, Part 1

Sunday - first day of retreat (only still not quiet yet) - set up my area (on right edge - is that right? felt like easy access in/out, if that's what I'm concerned with - also good for stretching out w/ achy back), got my work med (this is another session of salad making, and another bell ringer at 11:50 for 12:00 sit) - all is ready to happen. In my room, no roommate yet (wouldn't that be something if I roomed alone? I could do anything I want!), met some girls, smiled many times - isn't that nice?

So far, friendly. Only my own insecurities to get me down. That's what I'm here to work on. My Chris, my kitties, my loved ones are all still where I left them, understanding as they are.

Feeling quite anxious. Perhaps it stems from some confusion, tiredness, energy or heat around me, fear for the future (am I voluntarily subjecting myself to great difficulties? What will surface over the week?). I'm so mentally embedded in creature comforts and safety and routine, that the challenge of change is visibly stressing me. I hope this feeling will settle when the silence begins.

Brought coffee this time, brought trail mix for missed breakfasts.

The desert is hot - here a whole month earlier this year. I like it though, it's not too much and everything feels radiant. Forgot razor - going to grow naturally (secretly delighted) - no pretense, no vanity, a beautiful love at home and even he can't figure out when I have no make-up on.

Dinner in 40 minutes - going to lay/read/nap for half hour, then it all begins. Actually, then I'll be back because the first sit isn't until 8pm!

John's Humanity

The concept of love is based on a basic instinct to reproduce.

This basic instinct is preserved through a belief in a higher power.

[this is to mean intentional instinctual survival, such as avoidance of suicide, rather than an animal's innate desire to survive without a deep conscious reasoning behind why - although, even this is faulty, for within suicidal attempts one still encounters instinctual 'fight or flight' responses, and conscious intention does not easily override these]

Acting in contrast to this basic instinct is primarily what makes humans unique.

Occupy (Shoe) Discernment

'The cops now know the whole scene, even the costumes, the jesuschrist strung-out hair, Indian beads, Indian headbands, donkey beads, temple bells, amulets, mandalas, god's-eyes, fluorescent vests, unicorn horns, Errol Flynn dueling shirts—but they still don't know about the shoes. The heads have a thing about shoes. The worst are shiny black shoes with shoelaces in them. The hierarchy ascends from there, although practically all lowcut shoes are unhip, from there on up to the boots the heads like, light, fanciful boots, English boots of the mod variety, if that is all they can get, but better something like hand-tooled Mexican boots with Caliente Dude Triple A toes on them.'

- The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test (1968)

Cycle of Forgetting

For those who do not rejoice in murder

"When we hate, we cause hate. When we think we have won by vanquishing our enemy, we have lost. In killing Osama bin Laden, “they” lose because one of their leaders is gone. But we lose too, because we have deepened the causes and conditions that lead to more hatred and its consequences. This is not over."

Osama is dead.

From Steven Elliott

"I keep thinking about that line in Howl from a 1959 interview with Allen Ginsburg where Allen says he told his psychiatrist he didn't want to work, he just wanted to lay around and write poetry but he was worried about the future, worried who would take care of him. To live in a big city without a job writing poems, what an amazing feat to pull off."

- (The Daily Rumpus) that poem, this haircut— Housekeeping, 12/2/10

The current nature of the opposite sex

There are frequently
drunks in history
making a mess of things;
men for the most part -

Ladies, ladies, LADIES!
your non-violent ways
work better for the world.

(so stay sober,
forget the alcohol)