Thursday - Silence now broken.
Don't know what else to say at the moment. Not much needing to be written right now.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 4
Wednesday
(Wow) - much more difficult than yesterday. My back is testing my pain tolerance, as well as my ability to sit and meditate. From there, Mara grew into a big grump monster, annoyed at people, the cold and wind, myself and my mind - so exhausted already and my day has barely begun. Must sit with it, though. Must hold these grumps in the palm of my hand and keep it warm.
Thoughts & desires about home - missing it all, not having much fun here (DUH) and in desperate search for ease. At least w/sunshine, I can bake out by the fountain, sip coffee and watch the bees. What is it about today that I find so challenging?
Could use some compassion for myself today. Of course I am tired, of course this lets in the Mara much more easily. And of course I miss home. I'm normal. My desire for pleasantry is human, and with so much pain in my back, it's normal to let the grumps get to me. I must be kind to myself, though, and remember impermanence.
Back out into the massive desert wind, with its dark clouds and cold touch - time to bundle, make my way across the Silk Road, and wait for my work meditation. All moves fast from there, and soon it will be Thursday.
--------------------
The evening now. Day almost over, bed bound - We made it through another day, just 1 more to go. How close I feel to the Sangha now. Like we've been getting to know each other all week in our minds. Feeling the energies so vibrantly. We all silently regarded a rainbow during dinner, just over the beginning hills, then over the valley, and disappearing into the dense dark wisp of storm cloud. All this just after a guided lecture on the cultivation of true joy.
Realizing how special it is to be away from my life, with mostly total strangers, to live among the desert for 6 days while I develop my capacity to truly love, to potentially enlighten myself in my natural tendency to love. A flaw no more.
What now? One more day. Hope. A renewed charge. The mission to spread the mettā - who knows what else.
Saw so many beautiful things today. A spider used me to hitch a ride into the bathroom. The clouds were especially (typically) gorgeous, with an equally breathtaking sky scene. At the last walking meditation, 8:30, I went down to the Labyrinth, with its diamond spots, and laid down on the entering step's bench, long and curved, cool concrete. I popped my head up and stared infinitely into the star scape, those blinking balls so far but just right there, by the hundreds to see. The moon has been with me every night. He's my man. My Luna too.
Time to rest, things to work with tomorrow. Thank you for all of today, even my grumpy-guss nonsense.
May I have a restful sleep, and an energetic wake.
(Wow) - much more difficult than yesterday. My back is testing my pain tolerance, as well as my ability to sit and meditate. From there, Mara grew into a big grump monster, annoyed at people, the cold and wind, myself and my mind - so exhausted already and my day has barely begun. Must sit with it, though. Must hold these grumps in the palm of my hand and keep it warm.
Thoughts & desires about home - missing it all, not having much fun here (DUH) and in desperate search for ease. At least w/sunshine, I can bake out by the fountain, sip coffee and watch the bees. What is it about today that I find so challenging?
Could use some compassion for myself today. Of course I am tired, of course this lets in the Mara much more easily. And of course I miss home. I'm normal. My desire for pleasantry is human, and with so much pain in my back, it's normal to let the grumps get to me. I must be kind to myself, though, and remember impermanence.
Back out into the massive desert wind, with its dark clouds and cold touch - time to bundle, make my way across the Silk Road, and wait for my work meditation. All moves fast from there, and soon it will be Thursday.
--------------------
The evening now. Day almost over, bed bound - We made it through another day, just 1 more to go. How close I feel to the Sangha now. Like we've been getting to know each other all week in our minds. Feeling the energies so vibrantly. We all silently regarded a rainbow during dinner, just over the beginning hills, then over the valley, and disappearing into the dense dark wisp of storm cloud. All this just after a guided lecture on the cultivation of true joy.
Realizing how special it is to be away from my life, with mostly total strangers, to live among the desert for 6 days while I develop my capacity to truly love, to potentially enlighten myself in my natural tendency to love. A flaw no more.
What now? One more day. Hope. A renewed charge. The mission to spread the mettā - who knows what else.
Saw so many beautiful things today. A spider used me to hitch a ride into the bathroom. The clouds were especially (typically) gorgeous, with an equally breathtaking sky scene. At the last walking meditation, 8:30, I went down to the Labyrinth, with its diamond spots, and laid down on the entering step's bench, long and curved, cool concrete. I popped my head up and stared infinitely into the star scape, those blinking balls so far but just right there, by the hundreds to see. The moon has been with me every night. He's my man. My Luna too.
Time to rest, things to work with tomorrow. Thank you for all of today, even my grumpy-guss nonsense.
May I have a restful sleep, and an energetic wake.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
