Tuesday
Full of love today (started off with morning grumps)
First sitting, guided by Pablo, urged to cultivate compassion - we were asked to think of a "beneficiary" or someone we perceive as loving us unconditionally - I thought of Dad, how he always has my back, cares for me no matter what, believes in everything I do. So much love. So moving. Then asked to allow ourselves to see through their eyes back at ourselves - I so clearly felt love for myself, in a way much more accessible than just recalling the mettā phrases.
First interview - Vinny, with Mikey, Barry, and Gary. We all talking about our experiences so far; half finding it difficult, half (w/me) being pretty good w/what has transpired in our minds. Vinny so beautiful and pure with compassion and kindness - mettā. "We are the genuis' of our own minds and experiences." Be with the Brahmavihāras, eventually the mindfulness will integrate itself in. More interviews from them Thursday. Happy. How lucky we are to be here, Vinny reminded us. Against all odds. We shouldn't even exist, but here we are, in these beautiful surroundings, practicing how to love wisely. Indeed, how lucky we are.
End of day 3. Much mettā felt, much sent, much awarded to myself. Got very concentrated during some sits, very distant and numb at others. The yoga was my favorite, as there's nothing quite like a good stretch. Keep forgetting what day it is, time is acting so differently as I'm in and out of the world I know, more and more tapping into that universal existence in which there is no linear time, and love is the language used.
Tomorrow, Wednesday; I'm halfway through. Thinking I'm in a state of neutrality, because I find myself quite often bored and then looking for trouble (lust, greed - the plans, the resentments, the past - Mara at its worst, back and body ache, which I know in my heart is not much at all). Excited to see where my mind and heart are at tomorrow. I feel as though I may be the last person to wake up at this place (me@8:00am - first sitting at 6:30 [yea] and breakfast at 7 - not hearing the wake up bells, not hearing my alarm, naturally waking up at 8. Better not disturb my natural sleep rhythms) but I understand when it comes to sleep, I have some special needs so indeed, I accept my needed long hours in bed w/as much kindness and love as I can in this moment - Mettā!
2 more full days, then a morning, then back to it all with more love in my heart to share like it was the only thing in the world.
LOVE
Monday, June 18, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 2
(first full day), Monday
Not sure what I did (lust related?) but showed up w/a knotted, strained right shoulder/neck... more time spent on a chair than on floor, to conserve this body.
Up to 2 sitting meditations. Each one gets my mind more and more settled. Repeating the phrases "May you be happy. May you be loved. May you be at ease. May you be free." Or some variation of that. Thinking of JoJo as an innocent child, nothing but love to give her, without judgement. JoJo mind very actively pushing away this love - wanting to mentally nag the white girls in yoga garb, or other annoying clothing, Mara chasing me with drowsy feelings and hunger and the pain in my back. Sending much love to Mara, to myself.
Just finished lunch. Journaling is discouraged, but I'm overriding that because it is a habit I want to maintain. And recording insight is helpful.
Today we are focusing on metta to ourselves. Of course my mind is tired of repeating the phrases. And it's a bit too warm out to fully engage in a hike, or start a worth-while walking meditation.
I'm eager to explore the labyrinth later this evening, when the sun is gone and the lights around the maze are on - all those diamonds to guide me. Want to make sure to photograph this place before leaving - I was thinking either Thursday or Friday.
Used to mindfulness mediation, so it's throwing me for a loop repeating phrases & the focus not being on my breath. Find metta practice a bit more concrete.
Work in an hour. Salad maker.
So tired now. More Mara w/its drowsiness.
Not sure what I did (lust related?) but showed up w/a knotted, strained right shoulder/neck... more time spent on a chair than on floor, to conserve this body.
Up to 2 sitting meditations. Each one gets my mind more and more settled. Repeating the phrases "May you be happy. May you be loved. May you be at ease. May you be free." Or some variation of that. Thinking of JoJo as an innocent child, nothing but love to give her, without judgement. JoJo mind very actively pushing away this love - wanting to mentally nag the white girls in yoga garb, or other annoying clothing, Mara chasing me with drowsy feelings and hunger and the pain in my back. Sending much love to Mara, to myself.
Just finished lunch. Journaling is discouraged, but I'm overriding that because it is a habit I want to maintain. And recording insight is helpful.
Today we are focusing on metta to ourselves. Of course my mind is tired of repeating the phrases. And it's a bit too warm out to fully engage in a hike, or start a worth-while walking meditation.
I'm eager to explore the labyrinth later this evening, when the sun is gone and the lights around the maze are on - all those diamonds to guide me. Want to make sure to photograph this place before leaving - I was thinking either Thursday or Friday.
Used to mindfulness mediation, so it's throwing me for a loop repeating phrases & the focus not being on my breath. Find metta practice a bit more concrete.
Work in an hour. Salad maker.
So tired now. More Mara w/its drowsiness.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 1, Part 2
Silence has begun. Probably shouldn't even be writing this. What time is breakfast? What time is anything? Why not get rid of my clock for a while - it will be a nice change & lighten my load - (MORE).
I wait for the bathroom to open up & allow me the opportunity to pee/brush/wash & all, patiently.
Repeating metta phrases in lullaby tonight - will be working on metta all week, starting today & tomorrow with ME - how relieving to do this, have an opportunity to think about myself, as per usually it's someone else.
GO!
I wait for the bathroom to open up & allow me the opportunity to pee/brush/wash & all, patiently.
Repeating metta phrases in lullaby tonight - will be working on metta all week, starting today & tomorrow with ME - how relieving to do this, have an opportunity to think about myself, as per usually it's someone else.
GO!
Notes from Silent Retreat: Day 1, Part 1
Sunday - first day of retreat (only still not quiet yet) - set up my area (on right edge - is that right? felt like easy access in/out, if that's what I'm concerned with - also good for stretching out w/ achy back), got my work med (this is another session of salad making, and another bell ringer at 11:50 for 12:00 sit) - all is ready to happen. In my room, no roommate yet (wouldn't that be something if I roomed alone? I could do anything I want!), met some girls, smiled many times - isn't that nice?
So far, friendly. Only my own insecurities to get me down. That's what I'm here to work on. My Chris, my kitties, my loved ones are all still where I left them, understanding as they are.
Feeling quite anxious. Perhaps it stems from some confusion, tiredness, energy or heat around me, fear for the future (am I voluntarily subjecting myself to great difficulties? What will surface over the week?). I'm so mentally embedded in creature comforts and safety and routine, that the challenge of change is visibly stressing me. I hope this feeling will settle when the silence begins.
Brought coffee this time, brought trail mix for missed breakfasts.
The desert is hot - here a whole month earlier this year. I like it though, it's not too much and everything feels radiant. Forgot razor - going to grow naturally (secretly delighted) - no pretense, no vanity, a beautiful love at home and even he can't figure out when I have no make-up on.
Dinner in 40 minutes - going to lay/read/nap for half hour, then it all begins. Actually, then I'll be back because the first sit isn't until 8pm!
So far, friendly. Only my own insecurities to get me down. That's what I'm here to work on. My Chris, my kitties, my loved ones are all still where I left them, understanding as they are.
Feeling quite anxious. Perhaps it stems from some confusion, tiredness, energy or heat around me, fear for the future (am I voluntarily subjecting myself to great difficulties? What will surface over the week?). I'm so mentally embedded in creature comforts and safety and routine, that the challenge of change is visibly stressing me. I hope this feeling will settle when the silence begins.
Brought coffee this time, brought trail mix for missed breakfasts.
The desert is hot - here a whole month earlier this year. I like it though, it's not too much and everything feels radiant. Forgot razor - going to grow naturally (secretly delighted) - no pretense, no vanity, a beautiful love at home and even he can't figure out when I have no make-up on.
Dinner in 40 minutes - going to lay/read/nap for half hour, then it all begins. Actually, then I'll be back because the first sit isn't until 8pm!
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